My daughters coming to earth was called out by two women months before I was even pregnant. First, my dear friend Natalie joked that I was leaving San Francisco to marry a "home boy" and have a baby. There was in fact, no intended "home boy" and having a kid was far from on my list of things to do.
Next, on the Christmas holiday before I left the west coast for good, a young woman who I used to babysit, sat across from me at my parents kitchen table till the we hours of the morning. We exchanged memories growing up and laughed until we cried. Her eyes became fixated just a few inches from my right shoulder. Her whole demeanor changed. "There's a little girl with long curly hair standing next to you."
I was in denial, but I knew that a child, my child, had been following me and I had no idea what to do or if I even wanted to. My daughter wasn't 'planned'. And with this very untraditional, somewhat supernatural start came a lot of questions, shame and fear. No need for specifics. My mentor confessed that pregnant women have "one foot on earth and one in the otherworld" or as she bluntly put it, "in the grave". My intuition increased volumes. So did my pant size to be fair, and my feet were never a size eight again.
Fast forward to two weeks past my due date. My womb, swollen. Panic set in about when or if my daughter would arrive.
January 28th, 2008, induced labor.
Nothing happened.
No contractions.
No pain.
The clock just ticked, laboriously.
After two hours of wondering when the, or any cramping would come, when I would have to start employing the heavy breath work and strenuous pushing, an ultrasound revealed that the baby had a very slow and weakening heart beat. "The umbilical chord is wrapped around her neck. We have to get her out now."
An emergency cesarean section commenced. The epidural strong. Sophia's father who wasn't present when the distressing news came, arrived right as they cut my abdomen open. I never saw that shade of green on anyone's skin before that moment or since. She came for my daughter. I said nothing to her. Instead, I called out to my ancestors, the angels that would hear me, Goddess, God and anyone else who gave a damn.
I didn't think she was going to make it.
I wasn't sure I was going to either. There was a huge part of me that thought this would have been the moment death snatched me away. I wasn't ok with it.
I can't tell you how long it was after they untangled her, before Sophia took her first breath but when she did, everything changed forever.
And with every single moment that passes, paying for groceries with spare change, not having a roof over our heads, the many moves we've made, the people we've welcomed into our lives and lost, the scores of laughter and tears, the joy and the suffering, I wouldn't change a thing.
When people say they envy how I can see & hear things, communicate with beings not of this 3D realm, I can't express to them, or anyone enough, that Motherhood is the greatest superpower I've actually been granted and for that, I am eternally grateful.
