I Was A Hopeless Romantic
And not in the traditional sense. Wait, is there a traditional sense? I don’t know.
Here’s what I mean. I love falling in love with people. All people. All the time.
Beyond the sexual - and the sexual can be another conversation...maybe.
I’m fascinated by people’s idiosyncrasies, their desires and their stories and when I get to know someone, I begin to see - visions, potential in all they can be even if they don’t. It’s the light in me that needs a big fucking boundary. I mean - this is the basis of psychic readings right? My love crosses boundaries and realms...and this became really, really clear in 2020.
Part of me gets so excited about soul and connection that on many levels, it transcends my ordinary five senses (of course) in my day to day life. And this pattern in me has made my ‘friendships’ or acquaintances at one point or another - uncomfortable - because I become ecstatic about “connection” in my life.
The spiritual in me also was taught in certain circles that we write our script and all the characters into it before we get here...so part of my connection for me becomes very “cosmic” perhaps to save me from the monotony of the 3D or to increase my mediumship abilities across the realms or both.
I’m also - incredibly open- but when it comes to connection I’m even more open which sets me up for being consumed by people and spirit.
In real time - I have a tendency to idealize the people I’m attracted to (even in a non physical way) and put them on a pedestal perceiving them as their highest self - a dream version - instead of the one in reality that they are showing up as.
This is where I need more discernment. I become so cosmic that it clouds my ability to be practical about my friendships or see them more clearly. My great, big, fat, heart trusts no, I mean, it actually assumes that since we are “connected” that the other person’s intentions are inherently good and that they feel as deeply and as strongly as I do which is often not the case.
Once I’m attached, it’s hard to separate meaning, I’ve unintentionally suffered so much heart break. I should have, could have just had bigger fucking boundaries. I love to give so much energy without a second thought which has burned me in business partnerships, friendships and romantic relationships.
I think the ‘falling in love with people’ was so intense for me that it was an actual addiction. Discovering connection and being open and vulnerable was/is so intoxicating for me - unless it’s not, because the polarity of this that certain people straight up repulse me and I can’t even look at them if they are in the same vicinity.
I think the light in me longs to merge with the oneness of the cosmic energy that tending to the connections in my life in the past far outweighed anything else.
In relationship, I love ignoring someone’s darkness to illuminate a projection of a more kinder, gentler persona on them (aka- their higher self). I literally elevate them so dramatically that I become unaware of the reality in 3D - in front of me.
The illusions I held in relationships lead to unrealistic expectations, miscommunications and delusions and so often I ended up in confusing situations or endings. Sometimes I would merge my empathetic energy and senses so completely that I often could not sort out what was mine and what was theirs which is like some vampiric shit too. Right?
When things happen that don’t align with the fantasy of my personal projections, so many times I would be left wondering why or heartbroken.
And fuuuuuuuuck - so many people have entered my life on a mysterious cosmic connection and left exited without explanation or worse, through violent explosion.
Thank you 2020 for shining a light on my 'light being' - codependent on soul to soul connection. For my need to be a caretaker or enabler in a destructive way to help someone that I had thought or “wrote in my script” - a connection to and for those who have felt that vibration in me and wanted it so badly but I burned them right from the get.
What 2020, what all of my life experiences so far have taught me - what I do know for sure is that my capacity to love unconditionally is a inherently beautiful thing and I’ve even made a living from it -but it’s also my wound - so -my boundaries today and moving forward now include some degree of protection, distance and consciousness.
I will also channel my spiritual longing of oneness and desire for connection as a sacred calling by embodying all the qualities I project onto others - within me rather than see or seek them outward from others.
So take from this if you can, what you will, or throw it all away. It’s up to you. My share - is an experience and perception. If it helps great. If you find it entertaining, you’re welcome. If you’re triggered by it, you’re welcome.
What were some of your patterns that came to light in the past year? What do you understand about yourself more? Please feel free to DM or leave a comment.
All my love. M