Sweet. Where I'm happy to be. Happy to be with this kitty, away from the hospital and being poked and prodded every few hours. Happy to be out of ear shot of a roommate who yelled on the phone till all hours of the morning. Happy to be home but also -I'm terrified. I am. I'm scared to sleep for long periods of time for fear that I won't wake up on a fluke. I'm terrified that this is just a dream and I'm still in the ICU with time just flying by. I'm scared that I'm not going to get to breathe free or be me - ever again.
Frustrated. Just want to get better. It's been over 3 weeks. I know, patience & time and healing but - to feel helpless, weak for this long. It's a lot to depend on others when their lives are very much at stake too (because of you). I said it before & I will say it now - NO ONE can afford to get this sick. It's a devastating toll, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. Where I'm Hopeful. They say you are as good as the bonds you make, the community you have behind you - the true connections. You have to believe that this has been everything to me. This has been the real medicine. The love coming from every corner of the world - the messages of prayer and hope. The funny dance video's. The well wishes. The reiki. The magic. I may sound like I'm on repeat - but it's what's been getting me through because I am not afraid to tell you, that yes, even though I'm not in the care of professionals on a 24 hour basis, I feel anxious that this somehow is a fluke and that something terrible is going to happen. Power of positive thinking - yes of course - always - but this thing, it's relentless and it's a shapeshifter and I want to live. I want to breathe free and easy. I just want to be free of Covid 19.
I'm trying to avoid the news because it's horrible - but it's also unavoidable every time I'm on FB. The daily death toll weighs so heavy on my heart. The political shit is nauseating to say the least. I pray for emotional intelligence to sweep the nation and beyond. That's a big prayer. I know. But I'm on it. I teach yoga, breath work, meditation, prayer, daily - spiritual ritual. I eat pretty clean. I love juicing and vitamins and tinctures of minerals and Ormus and being on top of health trends, essential oils, crystals. I love movement, devotion and estatic dance, the metaphysical. This disease, this virus - this entity is beyond that. It gives NO fucks. If you think you are doing all the right things and this can't affect you - you're wrong. It fucking can and it will. I'm sharing my experience so you know - this road is paved with a lot of heavy shit. It's not cut & dry. It's emotional & really exhausting. I want you to care more about how you are affecting others. Period. Care more that you could carry this thing invisibly into the night and harm someone other than you. Fun Additional aids in the slow recovery - Soduku. Books. Coloring books too. The new Strokes album. I'm a bit obsessed. It's so good. Unfortunately - my phone. It's annoying at times but staying connected has been such a beautiful life line. Bullshit TV. I need some suggestions. I've burned through so much...... This amazing guided meditation that I'm trying to sleep too - when I can. Ok. That's all she's writing for now. Be good to yourself. Be good to everyone around you.
You are loved. You are loved.
YOU ARE LOVED.