6.5 months breathing without assistance...
6 full moons later.....
Good News first. New hair growth = no more bald spots - yay!) & wow the holy 40lbs I lost (finally- this week). The come back is a real journey but it's definitely helping me stay in my body, work on self esteem issues and really be more in touch with and utilize the intuition within my physical being. (so different than 3rd eye btw). Another dose of healing comes from embarking on - acting. I've chosen a stage/pen name (Frankie), got cast in and filmed a pilot tv show & also written a handful of scripts that have been living inside of me. Creativity is giving me purpose and passion in ways I've coached other people to live by for years and I couldn't be happier. I also really, really love my acting class. I am inspired not only by my coach but the people in it. I'm stoked when people see me out or on the street and remark how happy and healthy I look - I am - it's true (even if I cry when this happens)! But the truth is - in this same happy/grateful space I am also experiencing full on duality......
Unexpected Fallout I'm (still) searching for affordable & available mental health care (and yes, I have insurance). Mental health providers, if not booked or not taking new clients, are a hefty sum. But why would I need one? I mean if I'm so happy...... I'm triggered by crowded spaces and places with or without a mask even though I'm vaxxed. Tickle in my throat? Triggered. Sniffle? Triggered. At an outside Tuesday, my throat closed and I had a full on panic attack. I've had several this week (TBH) despite meditation CBD or physical exercise. This has never occurred in my entire life. **Please note** I'm exhausted of talking about or using the word Covid and really, really sad about people telling me to "get over it". The new spike in Delta cases has me on edge not just for me but the loved ones I could possibly never see again + I'm sure YOU are experiencing this too! There's also abandonment by friends I thought would be supportive or ...friendly and I have a considerable amount complex feelings in there.
And fucking Blood clots. I went to the Dr. early last week because of extreme pain in my legs and the fear of a pulmonary embolism. I don't have to tell you that this is a side effect of all the things related to C-19. Now, I'm scheduled for a scan. (fingers crossed). I have significant memory loss before, during and after my hospitalization. While I no longer have brain fog on a daily basis (praise G), nor am I slurring or stuttering when I speak anymore - several people brought up phone/facetime conversations (especially during) and time/details are either 1) fuzzy and/or 2) not there. This is painful on a cosmic, multitude of levels. I'm grieving many things: the person I was, the people no longer with us on our earth plane so many people, the loss of time and memory - and of course, friends. I'm trying to do so many things now because this is and was my 2x brush with mortality and I just want to experience as many juicy, amazing things that I can which is creating as much happiness as it is...stress. Finding Balance?
Sure...with breathwork - always. Exercise yes. Meditation - of course. But honestly, sometimes it's medicine and other times - it's not enough. And while I don't want to be a burden on those closest to me, I do need to find mental health care to give myself the respect and self love of healing on all fronts. I'm grateful to those who have reached out in care - and offered an ear - with all sincerity. I am. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Onward... Besides having a few interviews with more mental health care providers and getting prepared for the R3 retreat, this week I'm embarking on a forgiveness journey, of myself/others & all the damn things. Taking the dive into Danielle Laporte's Forgiveness Attunement. Totally scared and excited hoping to find reprieve. Click here to dive with me.
Talk to me.
How's your journey been thus far? What do you want to share?
How has this pandemic and the experience of Covid changed you? What are you doing to stay safe and sane?
All my love always.